A HUGE part of my story is that I am a Survivor—a survivor of sexual assault and trauma. Recovery, support groups, therapy, and other survivors are a crucial and integral part of my life now. Obviously, I didn’t plan that part of my future. But that’s ok, because without that I would not be who I am today. By the grace of God alone, I know now without a doubt, HE is the author and hero of my story.
Now, let me explain a little bit about the title of this blog. Those who know me know my faith is my lifeline. One scripture I fiercely cling to promises, “[God will] comfort all who mourn and give them a crown of beauty instead of ashes.” (Isaiah 61:3) In Biblical times, it was customary to lie in ashes during great times of mourning and difficulty. So when the people of that time had a problem in their lives, they would literally sit down in a pile of ashes. There was no mask, no putting on a brave face. I love that. Life is real. Terrible, unspeakable tragedies occur all around us on a daily basis. It is inevitable that you will experience pain, but life won’t always be painful. There may be nothing initially beautiful about ashes, but there are heartfelt moments and amazing people you meet on this journey. I have experienced love, acceptance, and understanding as never before, and I truly believe we can all trade our ashes for beauty. Even if you are not spiritual, the metaphor can still be powerful, and that is why there could be no more appropriate title for this blog--this journey.
But, what about the recovery—the trading hurt for healing part? I
may not still be in the ashes of my assault, but I don’t feel like I’m anywhere
near understanding or seeing the beauty from it either. Can I just be honest?
The waiting, the healing—it is the most difficult, most excruciating experience
I’ve ever been through, even more so than the assault itself. This is the hard
part to write about because the wound is still so fresh. Although it’s been
some years since my trauma occurred, there are days it still feels like
yesterday. Small things turn into huge things. A simple task turns into an
unexpected, complicated mess. My therapist, who is a saint, keeps telling me
to, “Be kind to yourself.” But, I’m angry! I’m frustrated! I want to shake off
the ashes and never look back. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t happen that way.
It is a trade. This recovery is a process, and I have to be patient with
myself.
Brene’ Brown, a renowned author, shame researcher and
storyteller states, “Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult
as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky,
but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the
experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to
explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” Brene’
also speaks a lot about courage and says that the true meaning of courage is to
tell your story with your whole heart. Well, I am working on that. I want to
tell my story with my whole heart. Why? Because in the midst of lying in and
dusting off ashes, there are beautiful moments. There are amazing people who
see the beauty from your ashes even when you can’t and especially when you
can’t! I don’t want anyone to forget that or get too mucked down in the ashes
that they can’t see those moments happening!
I guess this blog—this expression of the trade I am going
through is probably one of the scariest and bravest things I’ve ever done. I am blessed and so thankful to have the support
of several close friends who believed in me and faithfully encouraged me to courageously
write about my trade—to share my story with my whole heart. What will make all
this pain and hurt worth it? Well, my prayer is that God will use me and my
story to change someone’s life—to give you hope, to help you not give up, to
allow you to know you are not alone. You are valuable, worthy, and important—no
matter what battle you’re fighting. Also, I want to help and encourage you not to miss the beauty occurring all around us every day—the silver
lining of our ashes.
I pray that while I’m
trading my ashes for beauty, you will be able to do the same. I believe in you,
and I know you can do it! Thank you for listening and opening your heart.
One last quote (for now!):
"But, what if I fall? Oh, but my darling… what if you fly?”
With love--let's fly,
Carrie
