My previous
post discussed my longtime, almost constant fight with depression. With the recent
news of another celebrity suicide preceding another threat posted on social
media just days ago, I want to share part of my battle with suicide from a
Christian perspective. While this is not the hardest part of my story for me to
tell, it is often the most taboo. Please know that I am by no means saying that
everyone who is depressed is suicidal. But, I think we can agree that everyone
who is suicidal is depressed. These two oppressors are close cousins.
Today, I
have a very simple tattoo on my right hand of three sparrows. I see it all day,
every day, and I intentionally chose to put it there to remind me of the
countless second chances I have received. Each sparrow represents a time I tried
to end my life, and God intervened. Although some people would consider my
attempts half-hearted, I don’t believe there are truly any “half-hearted”
attempts. I know that each time I woke with such an overwhelming feeling of
despair and grief that I had failed at something else—that I couldn’t even kill
myself correctly. It was more than a “cry for help.” I was done, and I wanted
out. This was a very dark period in my life.
Although I
cannot say I do not still struggle with suicide idealizations--I may struggle
with them for a lifetime, but I no longer have active plans or truly want to end
my life. Now, I am working to articulate my feelings and needs and am taking
care of myself. I know I feel best when I take my medication, attend group and
individual therapy, go to my doctor’s appointments, eat regularly, and force
myself to reach out for help when I feel the old familiar downward pull. My
friends know that when I say, “I'm having a hard time,” I am struggling with some
element of my mental illness. I may only be able to text, but I believe for you to truly recover,
heal, and thrive, you have to do your work.
Part of my
work is learning how to ask for help and letting other people take care of me.
And I am still learning that I am worth that and that it doesn’t mean that I am
selfish or lazy. Even at the point of writing this I have a friend that I text every morning to say I’ve taken my medication, and other friends that check on me daily,
go to doctor’s appointments with me, ride with me to therapy, check to
make sure I’ve eaten--the list goes on and on. I am very blessed with an
amazing support system, but I still have to do my part. When I try to hide and
run from my struggle is when I feel my worst. That is part of the work—to not only be
brave enough to confront the situation, but also be brave enough to say, “I need
you.”
The other
crucial part of my work is to balance my faith and beliefs with my struggle.
What this means for me is that I must understand and accept that the day I
decided to follow Christ, all my issues didn’t just disappear. That definitely
didn’t happen. I was only about thirteen. I hadn’t even tasted life yet nor had
any idea what I would face in the coming years. Christians aren’t exempt from
hurt. More and more I am learning that struggling with depression, specifically
suicide, does not mean my faith is weak. It means I’m real. It means I’m
actively participating in life—sometimes it’s hard, and I need help. That’s it.
It does NOT mean I don’t believe enough, pray enough, or “do” enough in church.
If you are a
Believer struggling with suicide or depression, I want you to know you are not alone
and struggling doesn’t mean there is something wrong with your faith or your
perceived lack of it. When other Believers told me I needed to pray harder or read my
Bible more, it made me extremely upset. I felt worse. I mean, really? Everyone
following Christ needs to do that, not just me. I was literally falling apart!
No, I did not need to “do” anything else. I needed someone to listen, to be
there, to hold me, to help me get the help I needed, which for me was primarily
medical, secondly spiritual at that point. Yes, I believed a lot of lies about
myself and my situation, but before I could even begin to deal with those, I
needed someone to help me manage the physical aspects—the obvious need for medications,
therapy, and self-care. Only then could I begin to delve into fighting my
demons through strengthening my faith.
Unfortunately,
sometimes we as Christians can be the worst at compassion, which is very ironic
when you think about how the Bible says very plainly the greatest and most important
thing we can do is love. Loving others means meeting them where they are. When
I was in the midst of my struggle, love would not be a feeling I would say I
experienced—neither would understanding. But today I can say by God’s grace, I
am surrounded with compassion, love, and understanding. Today I have
experienced true, unconditional love from others, many of them Believers in fact. This
has strengthened and renewed my faith, unlike before where I felt drained and
like a complete failure.
Now I must
continue to trade my guilt—guilt for not feeling “enough” in my faith, guilt
for not succeeding at taking my life, guilt for needing multiple medications
and therapy, guilt for needing extra help—trade all these ashes of guilt for the beauty found in the truth.
The truth is you are not a failure. You are enough. You are loved. You were
created by an all-loving God who knew every struggle and thought you would ever
have. You are beautiful and worthy of life. Please if you need help today,
reach out. There are many hotlines (1-800-SUICIDE) and Internet resources
available, but chances are, you already know that. And if you’re anything like me, what you’re
burdened with is guilt—for so very many things.
Today, make
the trade—ashes of guilt for the beauty of truth and life. If you are a
Believer carrying terrible past experiences of insensitive comments and actions
from other Christians, trade that. There are many people following
Christ that will truly love you right where you are. More importantly, HE loves
you unconditionally and finds no fault in you. You are His glorious
inheritance! Leave the guilt behind and walk in truth.
And remember
this, “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:14)
Carrie
