Trading the Ashes of Other’s Expectations for the Beauty of Authenticity

“Expectations were like fine pottery. The harder you held them, the more likely they were to crack.” Brandon Sanderson from The Way of Kings

Have you ever been so devastated because you physically, mentally, or emotionally could not fulfill the expectations of others? I know I exhaust myself almost daily with versions of what I “should be"--memories like a song on repeat of clearly disappointing others full of  words I can’t get out of my head. Can you relate in some way? Are you faced with disappointment and feelings of worthlessness when you cannot fulfill the expectations of others? If so, I understand the struggle and the hurt you feel. So often, flippant remarks of others become the compasses directing our perception of who we are. 

Do any versions of the following questions/statements sound familiar to you?

“We just expected better of you. You aren’t dependable, responsible, reliable, etc. any more.”

“You let us down again. We were counting on you. What’s going on?”

“You need to spend more time with (fill in the blank). How can we know you even love us?”

“When was the last time you called me/us? It’s like you don’t even care anymore.”

“Why can’t you make it? Too tired? You sure are sick and/or tired a lot lately.”

“Wow, your house is such a mess. How could you let it get this way?" 

“Why are you late AGAIN? And what's the excuse this time?" 

I think what hurts the most is that majority of these accusations come from people we love and we think love us. That’s why it is especially painful. But, some of these words may even be things we have started saying about ourselves and have come to believe from years of not fulfilling the expectations of others. You may be struggling with any number of physical or mental ailments, and the feelings of frustration, inferiority, and worthlessness are detrimental and oftentimes escalate your already excruciating reality, especially if you don’t “look sick.” Basically if you don’t look sick, you aren’t sick. How absolutely bogus. 

Personally, I am deeply wounded when others express their failed expectations of me. It feels like my sickness doesn’t matter, even to others that know I have clinical depression amidst several other serious mental illnesses including an anxiety disorder. During these times I’m not compassionate with myself, and I’m not remembering God’s perfect love and the truths He speaks over me. Although, I try to be open about my story with people that I love or it becomes essential to tell the basics to, questions and statements like those above are extremely detrimental to the lies, myths, and beliefs I combat daily. I am sure many of you feel the same way, whatever trial or difficult experience you are facing.

This isn’t a pity party. I acknowledge and appreciate that I do have a wonderful support system that graciously and patiently listens to me express the hurt I feel from these ignorant statements, and I am so very blessed and thankful for them. They remind me of the progress I’ve made in my journey, as well as all the good things people have said about me. But, why am I so quick to forget these positive affirmations? Because out of hundreds of encouraging comments, I will remember and rehash those few critical ones. That’s just called being a human living in an imperfect world, and I know I’m not the only one who struggles with focusing more on the negative and hurtful comments of others than the uplifting words spoken by true friends. However, I find hope knowing there is a solution—a cure to this ailment of whatever negative feelings resulted in your life due to the unfulfilled expectations from others.

Joyce Meyer, an inspirational preacher, states, “Many people feel so pressured by the expectations of others that it causes them to be frustrated, miserable and confused about what they should do. But there is a way to live a simple, joy-filled, peaceful life, and the key is learning how to be led by the Holy Spirit, not the traditions or expectations of man.”

So what does that mean for us?

It means God loves us in the middle of our mess. He only asks that we turn to Him for guidance and listen to His still, small voice. In return, He promises joy, contentment, peace, and authenticity—the ability to be real, not just with ourselves, but also with others! Being your true self is so much better and more feasible than attempting to conform to other’s expectations. Recently, I told a friend, “I’m so tired of being two people.” I am waving the white flag to the façade I’ve tried to maintain, because I now know my truth, after 12 long years full of shame and guilt. My truth is that I have several serious mental illnesses that greatly affect my everyday life, and I am also a survivor of rape with PTSD. I am doing the best I can, and I must continue to repeat to myself, “I am doing the best I can.” For me, going to work and church plus keeping up with errands and housework are huge accomplishments. I’m learning that not letting go of other’s expectations robs me of the peaceful, simple, joy-filled life I desire. The first step of releasing the feelings of inferiority associated with failed expectations is to own your truth, whatever that may be. Even if it is something as simple as, “I am too tired, and I need time for myself so I can be the best version of me.” There is no small truth. You can’t compare yours with someone else’s. There is no shame in your truth. Again, there is no shame in your truth.

Scripture tells us, “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 12:2 (NLT)

See there, God wants us to disregard those expectations and traditions of our world. He wants to change our mindset, because He wants us to experience a “good and pleasing and perfect” life walking with Him.When you focus on the beautiful and graceful words God says about you, you can feel the stress immediately draining from your body. As Marilu Henner, actress, producer, and author writes, “Being in control of your life and having realistic expectations about your day-to-day challenges are the keys to stress management, which is perhaps the most important ingredient to living a happy, healthy and rewarding life.”

The problem lies in those negative voices ingrained in your psyche. They are full of lies, ignorance, and inconsideration—voices far from the voice of compassionate truth heard through God’s Words, but instead by the unrealistic expectations fueled by society’s ideals. Today more than ever, I want to trade the ashes from the unfulfilled expectations of others for the beauty of authenticity—for being my true self. There is absolutely zero shame in that. In fact, it’s what we as Believers are instructed to do.

And as Sonia Sotomayor, Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, says, “I do know one thing about me: I don't measure myself by others' expectations or let others define my worth.”

Hear my heart when I fervently say letting go of other’s expectations allows you to be authentic, to have a happy life, to be content, and to love others well. I know it’s hard and scary and seems impossible, but it is a process that results in huge gains. Those negative voices of expectations very well may be something you have to consciously refute until it becomes habitual. But, it is so very worth it. I can testify that I have the most beautiful days when I own my truth and tell those negative voices how wrong they truly are. Today, trade the ashes of other’s expectations for the beauty of authenticity. Love yourself right where you are, because God does. You so deserve it.

Trading the Ashes of Guilt

One of the deepest purposes of following Christ is showing the world that although we as Believers will experience pain and hardships, we have an eternal hope and a secure foundation--Someone we are madly in love with to carry us through the tough times. So, why are we as Christians so afraid to discuss these tough times? I don’t know--maybe because it’s uncomfortable? Maybe some Christians really aren’t secure enough discussing such “controversial” topics like depression, suicide, and mental illness within a group of people whom they believe are supposed to automatically have it all together? Well, that couldn’t be more inaccurate. I am a Believer. I sincerely love and attempt to follow God. But, I do not have it all together by any means. I am still sad often, and struggle daily with mental illness.

My previous post discussed my longtime, almost constant fight with depression. With the recent news of another celebrity suicide preceding another threat posted on social media just days ago, I want to share part of my battle with suicide from a Christian perspective. While this is not the hardest part of my story for me to tell, it is often the most taboo. Please know that I am by no means saying that everyone who is depressed is suicidal. But, I think we can agree that everyone who is suicidal is depressed. These two oppressors are close cousins.

Today, I have a very simple tattoo on my right hand of three sparrows. I see it all day, every day, and I intentionally chose to put it there to remind me of the countless second chances I have received. Each sparrow represents a time I tried to end my life, and God intervened. Although some people would consider my attempts half-hearted, I don’t believe there are truly any “half-hearted” attempts. I know that each time I woke with such an overwhelming feeling of despair and grief that I had failed at something else—that I couldn’t even kill myself correctly. It was more than a “cry for help.” I was done, and I wanted out. This was a very dark period in my life.

Although I cannot say I do not still struggle with suicide idealizations--I may struggle with them for a lifetime, but I no longer have active plans or truly want to end my life. Now, I am working to articulate my feelings and needs and am taking care of myself. I know I feel best when I take my medication, attend group and individual therapy, go to my doctor’s appointments, eat regularly, and force myself to reach out for help when I feel the old familiar downward pull. My friends know that when I say, “I'm having a hard time,” I am struggling with some element of my mental illness. I may only be able to text, but I believe for you to truly recover, heal, and thrive, you have to do your work.

Part of my work is learning how to ask for help and letting other people take care of me. And I am still learning that I am worth that and that it doesn’t mean that I am selfish or lazy. Even at the point of writing this I have a friend that I text every morning to say I’ve taken my medication, and other friends that check on me daily, go to doctor’s appointments with me, ride with me to therapy, check to make sure I’ve eaten--the list goes on and on. I am very blessed with an amazing support system, but I still have to do my part. When I try to hide and run from my struggle is when I feel my worst. That is part of the work—to not only be brave enough to confront the situation, but also be brave enough to say, “I need you.”

The other crucial part of my work is to balance my faith and beliefs with my struggle. What this means for me is that I must understand and accept that the day I decided to follow Christ, all my issues didn’t just disappear. That definitely didn’t happen. I was only about thirteen. I hadn’t even tasted life yet nor had any idea what I would face in the coming years. Christians aren’t exempt from hurt. More and more I am learning that struggling with depression, specifically suicide, does not mean my faith is weak. It means I’m real. It means I’m actively participating in life—sometimes it’s hard, and I need help. That’s it. It does NOT mean I don’t believe enough, pray enough, or “do” enough in church.

If you are a Believer struggling with suicide or depression, I want you to know you are not alone and struggling doesn’t mean there is something wrong with your faith or your perceived lack of it. When other Believers told me I needed to pray harder or read my Bible more, it made me extremely upset. I felt worse. I mean, really? Everyone following Christ needs to do that, not just me. I was literally falling apart! No, I did not need to “do” anything else. I needed someone to listen, to be there, to hold me, to help me get the help I needed, which for me was primarily medical, secondly spiritual at that point. Yes, I believed a lot of lies about myself and my situation, but before I could even begin to deal with those, I needed someone to help me manage the physical aspects—the obvious need for medications, therapy, and self-care. Only then could I begin to delve into fighting my demons through strengthening my faith.  

Unfortunately, sometimes we as Christians can be the worst at compassion, which is very ironic when you think about how the Bible says very plainly the greatest and most important thing we can do is love. Loving others means meeting them where they are. When I was in the midst of my struggle, love would not be a feeling I would say I experienced—neither would understanding. But today I can say by God’s grace, I am surrounded with compassion, love, and understanding. Today I have experienced true, unconditional love from others, many of them Believers in fact. This has strengthened and renewed my faith, unlike before where I felt drained and like a complete failure.

Now I must continue to trade my guilt—guilt for not feeling “enough” in my faith, guilt for not succeeding at taking my life, guilt for needing multiple medications and therapy, guilt for needing extra help—trade all these ashes of guilt for the beauty found in the truth. The truth is you are not a failure. You are enough. You are loved. You were created by an all-loving God who knew every struggle and thought you would ever have. You are beautiful and worthy of life. Please if you need help today, reach out. There are many hotlines (1-800-SUICIDE) and Internet resources available, but chances are, you already know that.  And if you’re anything like me, what you’re burdened with is guilt—for so very many things.

Today, make the trade—ashes of guilt for the beauty of truth and life. If you are a Believer carrying terrible past experiences of insensitive comments and actions from other Christians, trade that. There are many people following Christ that will truly love you right where you are. More importantly, HE loves you unconditionally and finds no fault in you. You are His glorious inheritance! Leave the guilt behind and walk in truth.

And remember this, “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:14)

 

Fighting with you,

Carrie